my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Are we still banned from the library?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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