One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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