Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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