soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
