'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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