we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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