I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
