im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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