You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
