did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
