Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize