There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize