I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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