Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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