the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
