I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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