Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
