just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
