that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
