I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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