Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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