Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It's like God shit irony all over that family
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize