i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Hippo gnu deer
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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