saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
