you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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