Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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