We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
