I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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