I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
