One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
