the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
