I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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