He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
