im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
