oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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