I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
