my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
