My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just google imaged poop.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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