I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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