Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Randomize
