I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize