I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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