i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
