My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
