Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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