all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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