I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I came so hard my ears popped.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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