Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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