I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
