Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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