Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
