I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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