i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
