on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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