when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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