2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
