I like my sex mixed with concussions.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i black out too much to be "responsible"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
