...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
