I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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