Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
