just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
