Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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