He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
