I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize