If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
